Dear Barnaby,

Barnaby, my wife wants us to liven up our marriage by bringing another couple in and 'swapping.' It all sounds good and she is looking on the net for a suitable couple as we speak,but I am a bit worried...What if the guy in the 'swap couple' has a bigger dick than me and she prefers sex with him? I am worried that it could all go too well and sound the death knell for my 25 year marriage.
I need advice mate;what do you think?
Cheers, Andy (stockton on tees)

Dear Barnaby,

My husband is peculiar in that whilst we have a reasonable sex life he refuses to appear naked in front of me. I've never actually seen his penis. Is this unusual?

Dear Barnaby,

I suspect I have a really small penis. Problem is I have no way of knowing what the benchmark is. I've never been with a woman so have no practical experience. I've seen porn stuff and some of them look huge but they are some sort of special effect aren't they? In terms of measurement mine is about three quarters of an inch soft and twice that when its angry. What do you think barney, please tell me I'm not a freak, it would wreck my life.

Dear Barnaby,

Your Problem Pal.I suspect you have a very small cock ,are quite elderly and have never given a woman pleasure in your life. Am I right? I think so...

Dear Barnaby,

My wife keeps going on and on about the size of my weapon. She says her previous blokes were bigger than me and that she can't get an orgasm because it keeps falling out. She's told all her friends and I feel they're sniggering at me when we see them in the pub. I thinks she's being unfair, don't you?

Dear Barnaby,

I've always had a thing about a small dick since I was a kid. So, about the age of thirteen I took to sticking a sock in my underoos. Since then I've had loads of compliments and looks from women. I went home with a girl last week and being a bit pissed I lay flat on her bed while she undressed me. She collapsed laughing. Now the whole world will know, what can I do?

Dear Barnaby,

My wife reckons Ive got a bend in my cock. She says its a real turn off and it looks like a turned down banana. Should i see a doctor?

Dear Barnaby,

Settle a bet. Me and my mates reckon the average cock size is 6". What do you think?

Dear Barnaby,

I've been married for three years. Since then our sex life has been the same. Every Saturday night my husband  rolls on top of me and enters me roughly without saying a word, then sweats and pants for about 30 seconds, shouts Aaaah fuck it fuck it as he ejaculates, turns over and falls asleep. It's not fair is it, my friends tell me it should be better than that. What do you think?

Dear Barnaby,

I was having a piss the other day and the bloke at the other end of the urinals said "I was just thinking, why do we men always stand as far away from each other as possible in the toilet. I know the answer, it's because we don't want to see each others weapon. Look, I'm tired of this carry on so here's mine." With that he flashed his todger. I fucked off pretty damn quick I can tell you.

Dear Barnaby,

This is a serious problem. I've got a bend in my penis and my girlfriend giggles everytime she looks at it. Can it be fixed?

Dear Barnaby,

I love my husband dearly. he is a kind and decent person. However, he has the tiniest penis and in all honesty I find it increasingly difficult to feign satisfaction. and I'm not sure he could give me children. I fantasise about a big cock and I'm ashamed to admit watching internet porn. Is this a good enough reason to leave him, I'm only 23?

Sylvia
NSW

Dear Barnaby,

That guy with the bend in his penis. I've got the same problem but you can get it fixed.
Donald, Bucks

Dear Barnaby,

I'd like to get my fucking hands on you you prick. I bet you spend all your time wanking off to porn but you're terrified of women aren't you. I bet your dick is tiny you fucking chauvinist bastard

Dear Barnaby,

I went home with a girl last night. She started to unzip my pants and it freaked me out. I stopped her and said what are you doing. She said show me your package. I didnt know what she meant. It all went wrong and I left. I fucked it up and i really wanted to sleep with her. Now she 'll think Im stupid.