Dear Barnaby,

My wife has a vibrator the size of a large cucumber. The dirty bitch uses it while Im lying beside her when she thinks Im asleep. Dont you think this is disrespectful and apart from anything else the engine on it keeps me awake at night. I robbed the batteries but last night she was at it again. I'm at my wits end.

Dear Barnaby,

Since your book was passed around by his friends my husband has taken to masturbating openly in bed. He doesn't even wait till I'm asleep. What you and he have in common is your both disgusting creeps. I thought men like you were all locked up.

Dear Barnaby,

My 27 year old son has a toilet roll mounted at his bedside. I've told him I find this distasteful as I suspect he uses it to clean up after abusing himself. Dont you think he should show more respect?

Dear Barney,

The other day my boss called me into his office, there were papers all over the floor in front of his desk. He said would I mind picking them up, he'd dropped them and he needed them for a meeting. While I was bending down I noticed he was sort  of catching his breath and there was a thumping noise from under his desk. I put the papers on his desk and he looked up and sort of growled at me, his face had gone all red. Is he ill?

Dear Barnaby,

Is it still ok to masturbate? My wife caught me doing it the other day and she says its disgusting and bad for my health. What do you think?
ps. I'm 73.

Dear Barnaby,

I love my husband dearly. he is a kind and decent person. However, he has the tiniest penis and in all honesty I find it increasingly difficult to feign satisfaction. and I'm not sure he could give me children. I fantasise about a big cock and I'm ashamed to admit watching internet porn. Is this a good enough reason to leave him, I'm only 23?

Sylvia
NSW

Dear Barnaby,

My problem is I'm addicted to internet porn. I'm on it the moment I wake till late at night. My wife doesn't know, she thinks I'm learning Peruvian.