Dear Barnaby,

I suspect I have a really small penis. Problem is I have no way of knowing what the benchmark is. I've never been with a woman so have no practical experience. I've seen porn stuff and some of them look huge but they are some sort of special effect aren't they? In terms of measurement mine is about three quarters of an inch soft and twice that when its angry. What do you think barney, please tell me I'm not a freak, it would wreck my life.

Dear Barnaby,

I've always had a thing about a small dick since I was a kid. So, about the age of thirteen I took to sticking a sock in my underoos. Since then I've had loads of compliments and looks from women. I went home with a girl last week and being a bit pissed I lay flat on her bed while she undressed me. She collapsed laughing. Now the whole world will know, what can I do?

Dear Barnaby,

My husband wants me to do unspeakable things in the bedroom. I come from a very strict religious background and I'm appalled by some of his requests. I don't want to leave him as in other respects he's a good hard working man, but I simply cannot comply with his wishes. Can you help me?
Mary. NY

I've met this great bird, she fucks like a rattlesnake. One problem, she wants to stick a carrot up my arse while we're fucking. She says her last bloke loved it, she also likes foreplay with me sticking a courgette in her, bid odd ain't it?

That guy that wrote in about his bird having a smelly pussy. Am I the only guy in the world that loves it, the smell stays on your fingers for days? The sex lives of the potato men is my favourite film.

Dear Barnaby,

I want to shit on my wife's face. She says no but I told her its just fun and that if she loved me she'd do it. What do you think?

Dear Barnaby,

I just want my girlfriend to give me a blow job. Everything else is perfect but try as I may she cant do it. Once when she was asleep I straddled her face and got my nob between her lips. Problem was I came instantly and when she woke she thought she'd been sick. Am i so wrong to want this?

Dear Barnaby,

I like to xxxx xxx xxxxx xxx xxxx x xx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxx with my wife. Thought you'd like to know barny baby.