Dear Barnaby,

I'm in deep shit. While the wife was in hospital recovering from an operation, her mum stayed with us to help out. We got pissed one night and so help me I ended up shagging her. Thing is I've always hated her but she's seperated from her husband and now she wants more and is sort of blackmailing me. What can I do?

Dear Barnaby,

I'm worried about your influence on my 59 yr old dad who has taken up the 'ballsman' cause and is behaving in a shockingly un-dad like manner. He recently moved to a filthy flat in Tenerife and became a time-share salesman. I also believe he is over-friendly with the wives of several East End refugees from the law. Don't you think that retired gentlemen of a certain age should restrain themselves? Surely there is an upper age limit to this 'ballsman' stuff? Should I now insist on pipe and slippers?

Dear Barnaby,

I log on almost every night and downloaded the book yesterday. There are lots of Brits here and I just wanted to say hi to you barney. I love your Brit manners and I'd love to find a nice guy over here but god they are so hard to find. Here its John Wayne or tough shit.

Dear Barnaby,

My husband read your book and its turned his head completely. From being a decent loving man he now insists on sex at any time he deems fit, has stopped doing chores around the house and has banned my mother from visiting us. You've a lot to answer for Mr Spen.

Barnaby,
 
I'm a 34 year old single guy and have had my fair share of women.
 
I also have a loving broader family, mainly married with kids who think I should settle down with a 'nice' girl, get married and have some kids - given that in their view, I am a fantastic Uncle to their children and would make a great Dad.
 
Truth is Barnaby, since the explosion of free porn on the Web, I can't be fucked with courting/wining/dining women anymore.
 
At the end of a days work, I look forward to going home, cracking a beer and then cracking my nuts over a video featuring women I could never pull in a million years.
 
Is this wrong?
 
Benjamin - Herts

Hi Barney,
 
Just a quick note.
 
My boyfriend brought a copy of your book home a few weeks ago.
 
Cut a long story short, he's a lovely guy but a bit of a fuss pot over me. After reading your book and laughing our heads off we decided there was some merit in being a Ballsman - especially as I am a Ballswoman.
 
It started as role play but now he's so into it, and so am I.
 
Everthing is so much better and exciting - I just dont know who he's going to be when he comes home but I know he will give me a good seeing to - without asking.
 
Thanks
 
Teresa AND Malcolm - Newbury

Dear Barnaby, I'm 70 and leading a double life. my wife still works but Im retired so I have the daytime to myself. Ive discovered the internet and am amazed that there are loads of fifty something women who are prepared to date me. Ive also started using viagra that i order on the net and I reckon Im having sex at least once a fortnight. The internet has transformed my life.

Dear Barnaby,

I'm sad for you that you feel affronted by a sanitary pad. Its only a piece of cotton love. Your mummy had them, god that must come as a shock to you.There there, go and play with yourself and suck your dummy.

Dear Barnaby,

My wife and I rarely speak. We have almost nothing in common except a love of alcohol which is rarely consumed in each others presence.However, every night at bedtime we bonk each other senseless.Does this make me a Ballsman?

Rory
Newcastle

Dear Barny,

This is my belief, am I a ballsman?

I can't imagine ever choosing one person for life. It's not that I'm scared of commitment; it's that I'm scared of arguing with someone I love over whose turn it is to do the dishes, of losing the desire to have sex with the woman lying next to me every night, of taking a back seat in her heart to our children, of resenting someone for limiting my freedom to be selfish.

This whole story starts many years ago in my quaint local pub (you might know of it?) My friend brought this girl for a drink we will call her (scabby – you will understand in later stories), he was rather sceptical of this as she was easy lead ‘on to things’ I reassured him that I would look after her, If he only knew what I had installed.

I think it must have been about an hour or so later that myself and scabby were in the park over the road from the pub with her legs over my shoulders and I was pumping away like a 17 year old on an empty milk bottle. After I had filled her up (7 mins aprox) I went back over to the pub and carried on drinking I said I have just been to the bog, but she was the best toilet attendant I had ever met and kind of had the same smell.

This sequence of events carried on over about a year and a half but in different parts of our village, there was the scout hut which was always good as it was only a jump over a wall or a push whichever way you look at it?

The cricket pitch was also a great venue as it was fenced off and the grass was always cut unlike her. Unfortunately I had bragged about my venture to certain people locally and they had told the grounds man, I had left marks at the ground also dead grass appeared shortly after the incident.

My all-time favourite would have to the J-W garage (unable to give correct name legal reasons). Many months had passed and scabby always rang me after a night out  never mind what time it was and ask me to give her a good seeing to, I happily obliged depending the time.

So she called me up and I met her outside J-W, i took her round the back of the garage asked her to stand up with her hands against the garage pulled her pants down round her ankles, i shoved it in her went like a bat out of hell then squirted my load.

As I took my cummy cock out and did myself up walking off, she was shouting  ‘where the fuck are you going?’(2:30 am) I took a quick glimpse back and she was walking towards me with cum dripping down her legs and pants still round her ankles. It looked like an X-rated version of dawn of the dead.
I soon ran home as she hadn’t visited my house yet……

My question is Barnaby now I have a steady girlfriend should I tell my current Mrs about these stories and the others I will proceed to write?

Dear Barnaby,

Been on the site a few times now. It's a good laugh when you get back from the pub. I've got this amazing secret to share with all the guys of about my age, which is 28. I'm not married and sort of stuck for mates because most of my best mates are loved up or married. But the requirement for pussy drives me out on a weekend to get laid which most times doesn't happen. The thing is my mum asked me to do a favour for a friend of her's. This lady has just gone online and needed help setting up her router and shit. Her name is Gloria. I'd never heard that name before but to cut a complicated story short, we sort of became pals, she talks to me like someone of my own age. She told me all about her life and I really got into her, she was different from the normal girls i talk to. One time she said to me " have you ever had a real woman?" I didn't know what she was talking about but she was stroking my nob through my strides at the time. Anyway, I have banging this this lady for two weeks now. She's told me she's 56 and you know what I don't give a fuck.

Dear Barnaby,

I've been married for three years. Since then our sex life has been the same. Every Saturday night my husband  rolls on top of me and enters me roughly without saying a word, then sweats and pants for about 30 seconds, shouts Aaaah fuck it fuck it as he ejaculates, turns over and falls asleep. It's not fair is it, my friends tell me it should be better than that. What do you think?

Dear Barnaby
My husband has a drink Problem.. He keeps spilling it....is this normal?
Ps. He also farts when we make love, the smell can be quite offputting, do you have any suggestions how we can best remedy this? It can sometimes lead to soiling of the sheets and as they are satin they are very expensive. Do you think that I should divorce him?

Dear Barnaby,

My wife says I drink too much. I do not drink on a Tuesday (hence I am writing today) or Thursday, unless there is a good reason, i.e. the day ends in a Y.

Dear Barnaby,

An old uncle of mine who spent his life in the navy used to refer to a thing called residual gap. i think it's a sexual thing but I've never heard of it before. Can you shed any light? None of my mates know.

Dear Barnaby,

You should be ashamed of the shit in your book. I've never read such chauvanistic, mysogonistic, tripe. Plainly you were brought up in brutal woman hating household, I feel sorry for your mother, if you had one.Why don't you get a life you stupid prat.

Dear Barnaby,

Thanks for everything, you've saved my life. My stupid fucker of a husband has read your book and he now thinks he's a Ballsman. He's got the t shirt and tells all his mates. But the best thing is he's taken to heart the stuff you wrote about only having sex for 57 seconds. Now he only troubles me for less than a minute which I can just about bear.

Dear Barnaby, My problem is my husband is an absolutely hopeless lover. He finishes about thirty seconds after he's started and it leaves me so frustrated. it can't be the 57 seconds rule as he's not read the book. If I get him to read it will it make him better or just proud to be a Ballsman?
Gabby, Indiana

Dear Barnaby,

You reference in the book about the lady boss who wants a good working relationship. I've just had that word for word. Do I really tell her to f--k off?
Jimmy
lancs England

Dear Barnaby,

My partner is becoming a real problem to me.The more I tell her to f--k off or never take her out or refuse to watch tv with her or help with the house - the more she loves and cares for me. She's pissing me off with this lovey dovey crap. Are these usual traits in a Bm partner?

PS Loved the book.

Charlie
Glasgow

Dear Barnaby,

I know that much of your post is tongue in cheek, however i have seen the odd genuine problem. Mine is that my wife is having an affair. She hasn't told me directly but she goes away from home at least twice a week and and once every fortnight she goes for the whole weekend. her weak excuse is that she's taken up the open university and that it's important to her. But she always takes her best sexy underwear and I feel she almost wants to talk to me about it. We can't go on like this but I love her so much I can't bear the thought of losing her. What can I do? I'm at my wits end.

Dear Barnaby,

I think I start Italian section for ballsman in Milan. Is ok?
Paulo, Milan

Dear Barnaby,

We have a Ballsman night in our local every Tuesday. We all wear the shirt and have a laugh. If you're ever in Huddersfield on a tuesday, come in to the Grey Horse and join us. we owe it all to you.
Jim W. Yorks.

Dear Barnaby,

I suspect you are a grotesque, filthy little man, incapable of relationships and hiding behind this mask of 'ballsman'. People like you make a good case for Womens Lib and the abolition of man.

Regan Marshall (Ms)
Somerset

Dear Barnaby,

The bit about fuck buddy. I've got three, all married. Does that make a Ballsman? How about a free t-shirt?

Dear Barnaby,

I agree with you barny, a fuck buddy can't be married. I've got one and the whole sense of it is that you have a special relationship with no strings and completely devoid of jealosy; we have a rule that we never ask if the other is screwing somebody else. It's great, I commend it to the ballsman fraternity.

Dear Barnaby,

I love my girlfriend. She is beuatifull with body and the face. I need but to fuck big fat ladys much all the time. Is this ok to me for ballsman?

Dear Barnaby,

You know that dog-walking, maintenance-man thing in the book. Christ, it's me. Yup, and Sunday tea arrangement. How do you know all this?

Dear Barnaby,

So what kind of women do you ballsymen go for? Like a valley's princess say Catherine Zeta-Jones or some poor brow beaten woman who has given you years of loyalty and love to be repaid in you're male chauvanist ways?

Dear Barnaby,

Me and my girlfriends have enjoyed and laughed at the contents of this board. So where does a group of ballsgirls meet a group of ballsmen? Maybe at a convention?

Dear Barnaby,

Its not so much of a problem. Rather an observation for all the aspiring Balls Men wannabe's out there. I have the great pleasure of being trained by one of the best Balls Men of all - The Silver Fox. And the main thing I have learnt is that you can actually getaway with anything as long as you stay on the middle road using the old and difficult technique of Deny Deny Deny.
Many Thanks SF.

Dear Barnaby,

Well. That was the week that was. So good, in fact, that I'm compelled to write to you.
Monday night was going to be a standard date with a new chick - bit of food, alcahol and charm to get the fucker primed for some action at a not-to-distant time in the future. No siree. I made a last minute booking at a motel, collected her as arranged but drove straight to the motel - under the guise of dropping off my things.
Would you believe it? We enter the room and she jumps straight onto my bones. A good fuck later we freshened up, had the date, and spent the rest of the evening fucking senslessly.
Drops her at home Tuesday morning, feeling absolutely fucked but manfully went to work. Later on my way home I got a call from a lady I have a casual relationship with, inviting me for supper. You got it. Barely two mouthfulls of food and in an instant I'm confronted by her dressed in a fishnet body stocking wanting some serious spread and thrust.Wednesday morning found me half dead and caring less but the day ended with a wonderful nights sleep.
Thursday was a standard day and after work I visited a friend of mine to discuss some business matters. Some of his relatives were around and a small party ensued with copious amounts of alcahol flowing nicely. Around midnight everyone had left or gone to bed and I was beyond driving. So he suggested I go crash on a sofa in his lounge as he was going to bed. I walked through to the lounge to be greeted by a fairly drunk but very pretty woman who was coming round. It was his cousin. A woman I had met several times but never sensed she was up for anything. I made a slight apology that one of the sofas was to be my bed. She asked for a coffee. As I returned from the kichen she had peeled her clothes off except her demins which she proceded to ask me to remove. Two minutes later I was eating her pussy and having a whale of a time. And what a body.
What more can I say? The memory of this week will last for a .... well till the next one. Does it make me a ballsman?

Dear Barnaby,

This really is the limit. Before you say it anyway, I'm a feminist but not a lesbian. I object in the strongest possible terms to an item drawn to my attention on your site (How's your pad?)
Women have periods OK, get used to it. Advertising sanitary products is no different to asprin or toothpaste, they are just medical products that people use. I've passed on your web address to all the fem groups I know so expect some shit coming your way you chauvinist bastard.

Dear Barnaby,

My wife and I love the Ballsman site. We read the book and she says it's just a bit of tongue in cheek fun but I think you really hate women or at least don't particularly like them. Who's right?

Dear Barnaby,

I'm with you over adverts for some women's products. It's disgusting and embarassing when they come on the TV in front of the family.

Dear Barnaby,

I am at a crossroads in life. I cannot make a decision on which road to take. Things are ok as they are, for me, but the two women in my life want me to make a committment one way or t'other.What would you do????????

Dear Barnaby,

I am a horny middle aged woman and I love this site. I wouldnt normally write in but you must be tempted to do some sort of dating thing cos i love real men. Suppose you'd call em ballsmen

Dear Barnaby,

I have always done well with the ladies and as they come and go I never give a toss. The strange thing is, just occasionally, I'll be with one who is particularly beautiful and/or a fantastic fuck and I can't get them out of my head. I'm worried that I may fall into the trap of settling for one of them - thereby screwing up my whole life. What do you think?

Dear Barnaby,

We could do with a guy like you in this town.

Dear Barnaby,

Where are all these balls men. All me and my friends meet are wimps and donuts. Do they really exist?

Dear Barnaby,

I caught the book and the guys at the job think its great. I told my old lady from now on I'm Ballsman and to get up them stairs. She nearly laughed her titties off. Good job Barnsey.